Chapter 1 – Bedtime stories

TheTropicalViking has gone through so many stages, from starting off as a reflective blog, a side project to a business idea to a photography focused portfolio to a sleepy diary and now basically an archive for old essays. I have to admit it is not very structured. Whenever I set the intention to freshen the site up I bump into resistance and procrastination. The Instagram account was really fun for a while, when I shot photos and posted pretty much every single day. But somewhere along the line I went off the rail and lost my appetite.

After having let the site and the Instagram feed sleep for so long I also felt it was difficult to pick up where I had left off. So in September 2018 I decided to do something new, at least for me and for TTV.

Instead of picking the absolute best images I started cropping a series of archived frames into panoramas and organised them to look good as a colour grid when seen from afar. I also decided to put whatever comment I had planned for them on the picture itself and not in the caption. The comment became the header for a long text that I flushed out unedited in the caption, about an hour each night before going to bed. I did this for about two weeks and called it Chapter 1, with no real idea of why. I didn’t have a Chapter 2 going but I knew there was more to come in the same genre.

Perhaps needless to say, the cut up panoramas splashed with text, no hashtags and ridiculously long captions that probably demanded a bit of concentration from the reader to follow, were no hit. I think the account gained more followers during the time it was hibernating and lost more in the first week than I had over the past 3 years. But I got the word out and the ones that took time to actually read the tiny text seemed reasonably amused. Chances are that you are one of these, I doubt anyone would find their way here if it wasn’t via Instagram. So, as said in the post that probably led you here: please enjoy the full uncut version of each section that came to be the bedtime stories named Chapter 1.

 

Chapter 1 – the bedtime stories. 

The road wasn’t paved for those who travel with intention to use it only once,

As someone once pointed out, the white spots on are already gone. We’ve explored and mapped almost every corner of this rock by any means imaginable and there are few, if any, pioneering journeys still to be made. Keyword in that sentence is We. We did it, the collective human kind. You didn’t. No one has been everywhere even if documentaries, travel magazines (do they still exist?) and this here medium of Instagram might make you feel like you’ve seen it all.

Anyone who has given in to their curiosity and bought a ticket, boarded a train, gotten in their car…or hell, even walking down a side street in their own town knows the sensation of discovery and the excitement that comes with experiencing something new. Exploring isn’t dead just because the train tracks are already there but perhaps it is important to remember, especially in this day and age where paved roads, marked trails and hashtags criss cross our path in all directions, that the tracks do not tell you which one is your station.

So maybe it is not our mission to sail around like Columbus and draw the outlines of this world, Google did that for us. But that doesn’t mean our individual maps are colored and complete. Finding out where our own borders lie or if there are any at all is still very much a damn good idea. Curiosity did not kill the kitten, it only made it pack its bag and go see for itself. If you sit there long enough and wait, that previously white spotted Puss might come back with stories you won’t believe (partly because cats are crap at taking pictures and you only believe in hard evidence…such as photos).

when we reach the edge any way we move will be moving on.

When the morning commute is allowed to be an opportunity for our awareness to discover that things change it is quickly realized that there is no going back. If every step is in a new direction it becomes impossible to return to what was before. Nostalgia and regret might want to argue with this but that doesn’t make it any less of a fact. By the time we change our mind about a decision, time and more so our experiences since then has changed everything. It may be subtle and since we suck at noticing gradients we may very well fool ourselves that the undoing is possible.

Did you ever sit down and watch grass grow or paint dry? I bet the grass was short when you left and tall when you came back after 6 weeks in Spain (unless you had a deal with your neighbor and he moved it for you to avoid your lawn yelling at burglars that the house was theirs for the taking…anyway, the grass had changed, you get the point). These changes happen all the time, around us as well as within us. We just don’t always notice them. Especially since the growth inside is constant and probably even more subtle than the process of paint drying, there is also seldom a finger touching to check.

We learn. With each single step of the way and each new experience that we notice that constant change is adding more paint to our wall, never letting it dry. The option to turn around is always there, retrace your steps and return to HQ but perhaps it is a good idea to note that when doing so the road is mirrored and what you carry with you is not the same stuff that you had when you left. The perspective is new and that you are still moving forwards. If you don’t know where you’re going anyway, who is to say that is not the right direction?

 

Growing up doesn’t escape the fact that the sky is still above.

So once we’re able to embrace the constant change through the ever-going exploration, reflect on the new perspective and our part in it, we must admit to growth. A double edged sword, on the one hand teaching us about our previous ignorance and on the other making us think we now know it all. Delusions of grandeur through the means of earlier mistakes is a very unstable platform to raise ones arms from and sulking over past regrets has so far never changed their outcome. The insight of progress is one of balance between admittance of what we can do different to direct the growth in a more nurturing direction and humility to the fact that there are many more mistakes to come.

Isn’t it funny how through our life our distance from the floor never seem to change? It’s that sneaky subtleness not allowing us to notice the gradients again. We need to put our head against a doorpost and compare our height to last years mark to actually understand that we’re slowly ascending towards the light. Odd, I don’t think a tree does that…it’s probably sulking over being part of the doorpost: “Bad decision, should’ve sprouted that acorn somewhere else…next time I’ll do it better”. However, once you start to realize that you know everything the world seems to stop. The marking on the wall start to repeat themselves and you tell yourself that this must be the top floor. Settled and with no reason to aspire any higher.

But that is not really the end of it. That’s the other part of the sword, the one that wants you to forget that the only reason you are now in a certain belief is because you learned a difference in the past. The World was flat, then a sphere, the atom was the tiniest and now it’s a mere condominium for strings and indecisive vibrations. No matter how tall we grow we will not know what is next. We grow our knowledge in the same way the universe expands, endless and without an attainable horizon. Like the draped old guy in Greece said “The only thing I know is that I don’t know anything” … quite an argument killer, Socrates. There will always be more to take in, kneed and reflect upon that will change our trajectory. And even though we are busy defining “our way”, “the way we are” and “what we want to be” remaining humble towards the fact that our current direction is no less true or false than the one we were on when we knew less. The sky above won’t let you touch it, it’s air. You’re breathing it in right now.

 

That beam is not there to put you in the spotlight

You thought it was all about you? In one way it is, you’re star and the center of the universe as much as everything else is but on those terms only. When things don’t go “your way” or, even when they do, you are not the only one involved and it is advised to remember that everything has its own agenda, different to yours. We can easily get disillusioned by separating our self from other too much, when the outline gets too sharp it becomes impenetrable and really hard to erase and change. Nothing else in this world is that static, why should you be?

Remaining humble and adaptive to the surroundings will not mean that the drawn contour is erased completely, nor does it expand to include more of other, quite the opposite. I’d say it begins to shrink and we’re on our way to concentrate the soup which is us, the self, to its essence. At the same time whatever we leave outside of this is now part of other and we can start to see how close that connection really is. It becomes more evident that what we do has a consequence more on other than on the tiny speck of ink that circumferences our core self.

In other words, we leave footprints on our path, some deeper than others and since we keep moving on forward it is normal to believe that these prints are behind us and won’t come back and kick us in the ass. Unfortunately, that is not really how the time/space continuum seems to work. The Hindus figured this out a long time ago and decided to call it karma. What you bring, you receive back and not in the woo-woo way of some deity sitting with the scales somewhere and judging right from wrong with your face in the crosshairs. Even if there was such an all knowing deity you would be part of it and so its standards are yours and vice versa. Going back to that spot of ink, that’s where you’ll find it. Your separation between right and wrong and from there your footsteps ought to be not only treated with more care but also pushing down seeds for plants to rise in your wake.

but it gives you a chance to notice what you’re a part of.

Chasing the horizon will admittedly sow heaps of seeds along the way and if we have come to terms with that the light is not there to shine only on us the track we’re on is supposedly a more comfortable one to walk on then the struggle of going against the grain. Without an idea of where the path is heading it is fully understandable that so many of us are hurrying around the corner to see what’s next. So much to explore ahead. So much more to do. Sometimes we need a break, stop, breathe and look around. This is not about how many corners you’re able to turn. Not about how tall you reach for the skies or how many edges you defy or jump off from. If there is one thing this life can promise us it is that it is an experience. No matter how hard you try to avoid it by doing mundane shit like paying bills and shopping for groceries, arguing about what Netflix series to watch or burying your eyes into a screen, all those things … is part of your experience.

What experience do you want to have? Too many of us wait for the occasion to arise, for the end of the shift whistle to blow and opportunities to slap us in the face before we actually take action. How many of us have seen a lion? A living, free roaming king of the savannah lion? How many has frozen their nose of their face in the Arctic Circle while staring up at the Aurora Borealis? How many times have you leaped up the peak of some unnamed mountain for the sheer sake of the momentary view at the land below? I’m not saying that these are specific important things to do. Actually I would say nothing is a very important thing to do, eventually. But until then wouldn’t it be more fun to have done them rather than not? What bad can come out of it? To go out and actually acknowledge what goes on around you. Notice how absolutely extraordinary fantastic this life we have the opportunity to experience actually is.

Waiting for the world to come to us and present itself makes as much sense as it would be to expect coffee to drink itself. The cup is there, smoking hot, all the time with or without you taking a sip. There are excuses, some would go so far as to call them “reasons” for the delay. The have-to’s and musts before enjoying the caffeine fix. Gathering acorns is great and saving up for a rainy day is more than wise but once it chains us to a chore so tight that we actually can make ourselves believe that the chore is necessary for our actual existence, perhaps then its time to sneak out in the yard for some fresh air. There are of course a few things that are necessary for us to keep this experience going. Keyword is few, five to be more precise. In this life, for us to be able to keep on experiencing we have to: eat, drink, sleep, breathe and every now and then go to the bathroom. E v e r y t h i n g else is optional. I dare you to try it and if you do tell me how much more you actually noticed those things that you took for granted, the wind, the sea and the smell of wet grass in the morning.

And you can choose to play your part or take it apart.

At some point we might come to realize that it’s an act. Bouncing between drama and comedy not so much because the director steers it that way but because we reinvent our perception of what is a laughing matter and we choose to be a serious thing. You play your role and for doing it without a script one has to admit that you’re doing a damn fine job at improv. Sometimes. We all want to be the hero, the protagonist that rides off in the sunset as the credits starts rolling. It just doesn’t always work that way, especially on a stage where everyone is running around looking for a horse that will arrive at the sound of a whistle and then finding out which way is West in time for sunset, let alone learning how do mount and ride the poor thing. Once there we also want to make sure that there have been enough good deeds done in order to win the crowd over and make sure they cheer for us as we turn our back to them and trot away towards a distant horizon. Imagine that scene with everyone riding at once…not quite as romantic…and very few left to cheer.

What is your role? What script are you writing for yourself? That’s it… your script is being written now and can be read by others if you decide to publish it. Act as if you knew what it wanted to say and set the example through your acting. Play your part. Base it on the findings you’ve made through your curiosity, include the humility you have gathered by recognizing your ignorance and act with the standards you have grown by looking to your core values that separate wrong from right. There are a hundred different hats to wear and there will be no one who is able to tell if you miss a line. Unfortunately, many of us see this as a disguise and an opportunity to dress up as the director of the show, your show, dictating how and where to be, do and say what. They didn’t get it and even worse they didn’t get that they didn’t get it. Yet. Once they do the whole thing might already have turned into a shitshow but by then you have hopefully already exited stage left.

Before you do though. Play. Act. I know it seems scary to do without any kind of rehearsal but be ensured there will be retakes. Plenty of them at different locations and different scenes. You are allowed to change your role. Just go behind the scene, revise your script, correct the speech and perform as if the Academy was there to hand you that little golden man. It is just an act. Appreciate the time you get to spend on the stage, the adrenalin pumping as you’re forced to improvisation, the silence of the crowd anticipating your next move and the emotions your able to let out and put on display for the masses to relate to. Enjoy the opportunity to be a part of it. This is your chance to fully immerse that core that you were able to outline and distinguish as your true self into the whole everything and allow the two to connect. Feel it… it’s a fucking rush.

If this is a game it only ends when you stop playing.

Taking things into the realm of interaction things can get tricky. Seeing that we’re all pretty much winging it and keep imagining that there is a lot at stake it is easy to buckle up and take the serious approach. The fantasy realm of the playground where imagination spurred endless possibilities is but a nostalgic, if not even a suppressed, memory. Meeting other people there was natural and very adaptive, you meet up, check out what’s going on and play along. Admittedly the games played could be of serious nature but only because we made a deliberate choice to make it so. The things we carry with us, the patterns, the attitude and our conformity in relation to new groups probably carries on from the sandbox all the way to the boardroom. The only difference is that we at some point forget that we are still playing and we start to believe that what we are doing is of utmost importance to keep the game going. We become serious.

The English language has the word antonym, it is the opposite of a synonym and for the word serious the Thesaurus lists: deceptive, dishonest, insincere and misleading among others. In my opinion that is a very serious accusation to call someone who would rather walk around with a bit of perspective on his actions and choose to do it with a laugh in his heart rather than grinding his teeth as insincere. They also list flippant, funny, happy and light which is usually how most people define the goal of their life in the shortest most general way. Flippant… didn’t even know that was a word until now but just reading it makes me smile, not entirely sure of its meaning but it is definitely on my list of things to be tomorrow. If we can zoom out from time to time and recognize that we have gotten ourselves into this game and that the rules are, despite what the job description reads, made up by us, it gets a lot easier to keep playing, or to stop… that’s an option as well.

At some point everyone will be called home for dinner and the playground is left empty with the swings dangling, toys scattered and one or two forgotten mittens. No one won, no one lost, everyone got a hot meal, a made bed and a goodnight kiss. Perhaps is it the longing for the sensation of achievement that arises later in life that confuses us? That before the goodnight kiss comes we want to feel like we have accomplished something? But what about the sheer enjoyment of playing, is that not enough? To have successfully shared time with others, interacted and learned from each others point of view while making use of the surroundings and soaking up nature as it laid out the most amazing playground in this galaxy must count for something. Someone once told me “I can see your kids will be playing with sticks and pinecones a lot” and yes, sorry kids he was probably right, no Candy Crush on my watch, go make a bracelet or something actually cool as long as you make it fun. And if serious is fun for you just remember that: funereal, grim, unhumorous and deadpan are synonyms to serious and I bet you haven’t got those on your list of goals for tomorrow.

The outcome is not life or death, it’s both.

The deal of being a part of this world is limited, but not so much in time as we commonly express it. Yes, time is a tape measure to which we can relate events, growth and process but there is no preset as to how much of it we are given or even if there was it in itself wouldn’t give us an idea of how to use it. We can chose to play the same experiences on repeat for 25 years and wait for that golden watch to arrive at our desk as an ironic symbol of how much time you spent doing the same things over and over. Gold watches, to my knowledge (which is admittedly limited on the subject), rarely comes with alarm functions but part of me like to think that the weight of the gilded bracelet itself ought to wake up most people and see what they traded their experiences for. At least you stayed alive long enough to realize it. Why not, instead of spinning the thread off the spindle, waiting to see what happens next and how long and thin you can make it, actually start weaving it into something useful, something that matters. You’re free to braid and decorate all you want. At some point you will run out of thread but by then you hopefully have a neat blanket to cover yourself with. And if you don’t, who cares, at least you took the opportunity to learn an almost forgotten craft.

We should, from time to time, take time to look what we are weaving together though, not from a judgmental point but out of wonder and appreciation. A closer inspection will reveal that the first thread doesn’t have an end but runs off the loom, divides into two separate threads, each that fringe two other blankets like uncut umbilical cords reminding you that you didn’t start this thing on your own. As much as we are a part on the stage we are also a part of the stage. It might feel like we are just visiting, coming from somewhere to check things out, drop in and have an experience or two and then leave, when really we didn’t come into anything. We came out of it. That thing in the lower region of your torso is a little button (no I’m not talking about your genitals, check your anatomy charts) reminding you of your connection to life before you. In one sense we were already here, always were, through the digestion and nutrition, the growth and learnings of millennia finally reached the point where you became aware of you being you. What an infinitesimal extraordinary coincidence? If that is not seen as an opportunity worth exploring I honestly don’t know what is.

Again, don’t get too critical about how your blanket is turning out. There’ll be asymmetries and mistakes that you will want to have done better. That’s called learning, so make the next run cleaner then if you wish to correct it. But for heaven’s sake don’t even start to compare your blanket to anyone else’s, when the time comes to drape yourself and close your eyes, yours is the only blanket that will keep you warm. Besides, not matter how often and how eager others might be to showcase their successful runs they’re unlikely to let you try it on for size, much less borrow it for your sleep.  Instead make up your patchwork as you go and stuff that thing with as much down as you feel necessary. Weave it together with someone, share at least a few threads and let whatever fringes that might come from that run free. When you’re done the thing doesn’t have to be a masterpiece, as a matter of fact it probably won’t be by the art critic’s standards but it will be unique and if you did it the way you felt was right it will be damn comfy.

Getting lost is not an option, if you already know your final destination, 

So, let’s face it, we know where this is heading. Once we come to terms with the fact that coming out of this world, being a part of it and having the opportunity to experience a plethora of emotions and sensations, also involves not experiencing anything anymore again at some point. As far as we know there is one set final experience before we return to a state of unlimited potential. See, life as much as we would like to tell ourselves the opposite, has its limitations. It is framed by our sensory abilities and our physical being. We can of course learn how to train these to states we never believed possible; athletes, musicians, painters and chess masters do it all the time. Stretching something though, is not the same as breaking the limit it is merely pushing it further and that is only possible if there is a boundary to push against. It is work within a reasonably malleable frame but as most Eastern philosophies will have you understand if you ever bothered to look beyond the symbol of yin and yang, this is the beauty of life, the frame we have to work within.

Have you ever been given an assignment and felt limited by its restrictions? Do you secretly blame someone else for the situation you’re currently in is not giving you enough freedom? Freedom, just like happiness, is a concept that you define for yourself in your mind and is attainable under most circumstances by navigating your thought pattern to fit within the current frame in a way that makes you comfortable. Life is limited. Live with it, that’s the whole idea. It is well understood that after having banged our heads against the frame one or two too many times that we get confused and feel slightly disoriented. As if we can’t figure out what we are supposed to do or where we are supposed to go since there’s a bloody fence around us and the more we stand still the closer it seems to come, as if life was shrinking. Our mind can jump over that fence and we could attempt to imagine what that would be like. Nothing. Or perhaps better twisted, everything but without limits and so; no hot or cold, dark or light, no flip-side. Just everything at once without contrasts.

If we can learn to embrace the limitations as the nerve ends of our experiences, they become the reason we are able to feel or sense anything at all. It could be a pretty cool thing to show some appreciation for that fact. All our emotions and feelings bounce against their counterparts and allow us to notice one simple thing, that we are still alive. Consciousness is a pretty wild thing when crammed into a physical entity that can grow, learn, cry, touch, love and rake leafs. Under no circumstances would this consciousness believe it is lost if sat down with a lie detector attached to it. Our mind might mess things up there a bit, freaking out over time, money, responsibilities and accomplishments. Consciousness on the other hand is having a ball, getting the opportunity to experience stress and rapid heartbeats that don’t exist in the realm of the non physical. So why not give consciousness a proper run for its ticket to the land of limitations and let it experience as many of them as you possibly can? It will love it. After all, that is all it seems capable of.

taking the scenic route on the way there is a choice.

What is beauty? Most would state that it lies in the eye of the beholder and so it becomes as hard to define as the concept of what quality is. We just know it when we come across it, or perhaps better put; when we appreciate beauty it becomes noticeable. So did it exist prior to our appreciation? Is there beauty looming around out there on its own, unappreciated? If there isn’t, beauty is indeed a construct of our mind, in which case; no sunset, flower arrangement or ballroom attire would in itself carry any essence of beauty until it is appreciated by an observer. Not only would the sunset have to make its very best to impress, it would have to do it in a way that the observer is actually willing to accept as beautiful. Is it time for us to put on our rose-shaded lenses and see beauty in everything? Perhaps. But doing so would get pretty dull after a while, not only would we all see everything the same way but we’d probably be so jaded by the lack of contrasts that it would be difficult to notice anything at all. However, if we toss the hippie glasses aside for a while and instead just try each others lenses on once in a while we might learn to appreciate beauty from new perspectives. Our sense of beauty comes from our own conditioning, the path we have walked has wrapped our mind to certain understandings which we might take for granted. So the physicist can appreciate the simplicity of an equation that would explain the shimmer of a dew drop on a straw of grass but at the same time be so inspired by his discovery that he rushes across the lawn at dawn, trampling over the same phenomena, upsetting the painter in the park who’s focused to interpret the shimmer through the weaving of his hand. The dew drop, couldn’t have cared less. It was not aware of it being involved in beauty. Neither did the sunset nor the ballroom dress. Or did they?

Sometimes attraction is mistaken for beauty. It is quite easy to learn how we make ourselves attractive, and we’re not alone; flowers and animals have done so since long before our species climbed out of the trees. Beauty stems from somewhere else than getting a clean haircut, smelling nice or, in the commercial world, putting a discount ticket on a product. Attraction is a sign of empathy, understanding what someone else can agree to appreciate and manifest this to this other. While beauty comes from within… and remember, not within the person, the event or the equation itself but from the person appreciating it. So we might be able to create attraction but we are helpless when it comes to making ourselves beautiful.

That helplessness might seem a bit gloomy and gloominess is a rare attraction so to turn things around with the same logic; who do you need to be beautiful for? In your world there is really only one person, you. Shouldn’t be too hard now should it? If beauty is created by you, you are already well aware of what it is and so choose to present it to yourself. Now, don’t confuse that with endless hours in front of the mirror thinking you’re about to score yourself on a date…that’s attraction and like the myth of Narcissus would have you warned that doesn’t end well. If you instead come to terms with the fact that beauty exist in you through the things you appreciate, or to turn it around; when you experience beauty it exists in you, then it is a hell of a lot easier to feel beautiful if you appreciate what is around you. To take this to next level and truly convince yourself express your appreciation with gratitude. It can be a simple string of words in someone’s ear, a thought of thankfulness to a blooming flower or a jig as a silhouette of a setting sun. If you want to share the beauty of this world, choose to express thanks for what it has made you experience. Make that sunset feel it to.

Don’t bother to ask for directions, no one else was given a map either.

If we are honest, we have no idea. We are all just winging it. When we were kids we were under the impression that the adults had it figured out, they were here before us and so they would know what was going on. As we grow up we come to understand that they were just as clueless as we were and they probably just tried to emulate the false presumptions that their elders expressed. In the abstract realm, we’re nothing but fractals repeating ourselves through generations. Spinning patterns while imagining we’re going somewhere. I believe the Buddhists call it Samsara, the circle of life, to which the goal is, if put simply, to liberate oneself from. Key word, oneself. No matter how many “road to enlightenment” books you read or how many seminars from spiritual leaders you attend there will be no one else who can lead you down the line that breaks your fractal pattern. That is a road we must walk on our own. It is a noisy place, this society we surround ourselves with and getting distracted by our seemingly important responsibilities is only natural since the wheel is already spinning and we have to chose to either give into its velocity and let the centrifugal forces have our way with us or start running against it like that little hamster who you for some reason decided to put in a shoebox-sized cage as a child. The only difference being that your wheel is filled with hurdles like math tests, software updates, tax deductions and family gatherings. Don’t worry, with the high tempo of our age a missed deadline and forgotten anniversary will make you trip a hurdle and before you know it you’re squished against the circumference with nausea and no sense of direction. If I had an amusement park I’d create a ride like this and call it “the Samsara sucker”.

What if you were the one creating the spinning though? Like a hammer thrower setting up for a personal best swinging that ball and chain around like his life depended on it. At what point does it become unclear who is spinning who? Now, for the hammer thrower it might seem natural that he becomes one with his tool. After all it is his livelihood and letting go before enough force is created is not an option. (Funny when you think that he is literally throwing his life away.) But at some point he must let go, and what happens? He stops spinning, as does the hammer. Isn’t it so that we are actually all three of these scenarios? The hurdler, the nauseated spinner and the one creating the force at which things spin? And if that is so, what is keeping us from letting go and see how far that f*#ker can fly? Not a very Buddhist way to express enlightenment I suppose but at least it paints a picture.

I believe the reason for not letting go is fear. Fear of the unknown of what will happen when we do. This is also why look for guidance from other whom we believe can tell us and prepare us for such an adventure. The paradox there though is that if you’re going into the unknown, no one else has been there either and so no one else can give with certainty pack your bag for that journey. It could be said that those who are wise enough to observe the patterns in the fractal might have a better understanding how the shape is altered in response to our actions. But a pattern is by definition something that is repeated so if we are looking for a way to break it we must dare to tread where no map leads the way. Now, I am no guide, I have no idea where you are going but if I were to pack your bag for your journey I would replace your fear with curiosity and excitement, then leave a whole lot of empty space for you to fill with the experience and wisdom you would come across along the way.

Describing your sensations in words, dulls even the sharpest pen. 

Language is a funny phenomena. Not only in writing or speech but by any means that we make the effort to communicate our thoughts and emotions will in one way or the other be filtered, by both the sender as well as the receiver. Everything we express is an attempt to best symbolize what it is we are trying to get across. Luckily our abstract way of thinking instilled in us from years of fitting the square peg in the square hole allows us to interpret each others symbols and their supposed meaning. We have grown so accustomed to this process that we often come to take it for granted. We may also become slightly lazy with our descriptions and settle for symbols that are close enough to give an idea of what we actually feel. Not only when expressing it to someone else but also when we come to reflect on our sensation in our mind. It might make your head spin but feelings and emotions don’t pop up in your biological system as bold lettered words. They exist there as sensations alone and it is not until you start describing them to yourself that letters come together to give them a name. It is kind of like music, the tone, harmony and sound in itself doesn’t have a name but when instructing someone how to play it a note sheet will be very helpful and quite precise. We match up the squiggle on the paper with the corresponding key on the piano and the same tone rings out. However, the sensation of the tone is filtered away and left for the receiver to interpret at his or hers own accord. Not to mention, tunings, woodwork in the instrument, location of the piano and the receivers position in relation to it. So in the same way works every other means of communication and it is up to you as the composer to learn which notes to scribble down in the best possible way to get your symphony not only played but felt and avoid it getting lost in translation. It helps if you know what it is you want to have said.

These days everyone is so busy receiving information from different orchestras that it can be hard to know which instrument is playing the lead. Which tune is actually ringing true and resonating with our acoustic chamber. It is as if we don’t mind the noise since there is no harmony to be found in it anyway. We’ve become so good at tuning out in order to make enough sense out of things that we don’t realize that we are slowly going tone deaf. It sometimes seems like we are even starting to accept the round peg in the square hole because we understand the intention of what it was supposed to be. “It’s ok, I get what you mean” kind of thinking. Not so sure that shortcut is one to evolve with. It might be mistaken as, but is not the same as saying more with less, which would be more like squaring the peg in a way that it becomes undisputed to which hole it goes. It takes a lot of work but once it is done the message is already received. At the same time as we struggle to filter the cacophony of impressions around us we may also find it difficult to make out the harmonies that plays inside of us. When was the last time you tuned your strings and actually listened to the way they play? Perhaps we don’t bother because we fell like we are but a flute player in front of a drum kit and a 50 man brass band. It is unlikely we will be heard anyway. But our tune is not necessarily there to be heard by others, it is for us to listen to ourselves and since we will hopefully have to hear that melody for many years still to come we might as well make sure it’s not a static test signal or out of tune ukulele with one string missing.

In the end, communication is a three part process. I learned this in course of “physics and psychophysics of music” many years ago. There must be a source, a medium and a receiver for sound to appear and the same goes for any kind of communication. Expression will make impression, meaning whatever it is we give will change in nature by the time it is received, filtered. Perhaps the most true acts of communication are when we physically express our sensations, performative dance in all its glory but I was more referring to hugs and punching someone in the face, when the unnamed energy we feel is physically transmitted to someone else in order to let them know what we have going on inside. It is admittedly also very symbolic, especially in cultures where kissing on the cheek and welcoming hugs have grown to be a custom and become more of a courteous round peg with no box to even try to fit it into. In other words, less veiled in allegoric symbolism, why not take the time to say what it is you really want to have said, even if you are the only one listening? Why not express truly the things you want the other to have an impression of and do so with such rigor that it lasts like a footstep in we concrete? And why not prune the customs, courtesies and noise from your indoctrinated patterns so that you can find the time, space and tranquillity to play your violin the way it is supposed the handeled? Those who like your tune will be more than willing to shut up and listen.

How can you separate an idea from a memory?

Dissect your definition of time for me. We are obsessed with it. The memories of past events and our ideas of what will happen later. When you think about it, and only when you think about it, is when they come to exist. The next moment you trip over your own shoelaces, the phone rings or you’re distracted by a three legged dog running down the street and ….poof, the thought you just brought into existence is gone again. Even if we would exist outside of the present our minds can’t deal with any other timeline than the now. Stretched out there are the extremes of going back in thought to what we remember of our childhood or leap forwards in the other direction towards visions of us telling stories to grandkids about that same childhood. If there was a linear scale of our lifetime the center is the present and the closer we get there the harder it seems to stay there with our consciousness. Even in meditation we get confused when someone is telling us to “focus on our breath” as if that would assassinate our thoughts about how we just inhaled and not think how the next time that happens we will do it better. Like a pendulum oscillating either between birth and death or inhale and exhale, it is strikingly difficult to remain in the now, thoughtless. What if it is not about assassinate thought? If we accept that the thoughts are occurring and will keep doing so, perhaps we can let them wander in our mind but instead of taking their hand and let them lead us deeper, we monitor them from a safe distance, let’s say from 30.000 feet above and just peer down at them with appreciation that we have all these mysterious looking grey specks trotting around inside us. From that view they will, for the most part all look the same and separating hopes from anguish and anxiety from remorse would just be as easy as distinguishing a Volvo from a Volkswagen while crossing the European continent in an airplane.

Now while it may seem arrogant to just kick back in your business class seat and enjoy the inflight entertainment rather than dealing with all those cars piling up on the highways beneath you, there is of course a time for that as well. It is just that when it comes to our ideas about the future we tend to speculate. Speculation is like grabbing a thought by the hand, trust it blindly and let it lead you into a thorn bush where it promises it has hidden some of your favorite candy. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one told not to take candy from strangers and when it comes to the future, trust me, no matter what it tries to tell you, it is unknown. Besides, the thought is yours and not the other way around. How about you familiarize yourself with it first and if you decide to invite it for tea, make sure you also know when it is time to ask for it to leave and not let it stay the night. The same goes for memories, bad, good or ugly. The event that created it has passed and you may cary scars or skip heartbeats when you think back of it but those reminders are but outlines that each time you think of them you start to color within those lines. Sometimes we may think them so complete that we frame them and nail them tight over our bed. Yet, as the years pass also these pictures fade and so we recolor them as how we now believe they should look with certain details completely neglected and others added and perhaps some, absolutely made up. As naive and cold hearted as it may sound I do believe we choose our past and as our palette changes so does the shape of our memories. The temptation from the past is to stay in that gallery for too long with a desire to change not only the colors but the outlines of what is hanging on the walls. If you ever saw an artist’s studio you would know that there is a lot of sketch work going on that never reaches the final edition. Perhaps you should revise your version of the Louvre, admit that there is a lot of refrigerator art on those walls and get back to drawing board to create a better version. Nothing wrong with remembering things but dwelling in a gallery is best done with the intention to leave inspired.

So if we are trapped in a constant swing between memories and ideas and the pendulum won’t let us stay present in the now at least we should be able to stay present in our thoughts. Repeating to ourselves that they are just that, thoughts. The “be here now” is not about forgetting the past nor about not thinking about the future but about acknowledging both of these ends of the spectra as a construct you are creating for yourself at this very moment and allowing that moment to pass. They say the only constant is change, you know “they”, the people levitating a foot off the ground with a constant smirk that says they have it all figured out but won’t tell you. If there is anything the pendulum’s swing indicates, it is that consistency of change and once we come to swing with it we also discover that there is balance in the swing itself. While following along we get to choose which one of our thoughts to think of it all. My advice, choose the happy thought.

When you think about it it is nothing but everything you experience.

The thing with thoughts is that they seem to always be there and as creatures of habit we tend to string them up like stories that together weave our impression of reality. Mood, atmosphere, expectations and previous points of reference create our relationship to whatever it is we perceive. Reality, that thing that goes on outside of our perception is, just like language, filtered through us and the way we come to think about them. Change your mind, change your reality. There is a lot of talk out there about the power of affirmation suggesting that we can achieve and obtain what we desire just by thinking about it. Some take this to the extent of materialism and argue that thinking about a certain object hard enough will make the thing come to us. Sounds a bit woo-woo but I guess it could be worth a try if you really want some thing that bad. In theory though the principle of getting our wishes fulfilled shouldn’t be so difficult. What seems to be the main problem though these days is us not being able to express and define what it is we actually want. So often do I come across people, friends, students, strangers with a strong desire to change their life but with a very vague idea of exactly what they want to change it to be like instead. Or rather there often seems to be something significant standing in the way, an accomplishment like; settling down, creating a family, moving abroad or starting a business and once this has been done everything will be ok. I get very curious when I hear that these specific goals mark a finish line and leads me to ask “what then”? What happens after that has been achieved? Does all these things not pave your road for more desires, longings and challenges to deal with? Listen, there is nothing wrong with setting up a goal to work towards. It is probably quite healthy and motivates us to keep exploring and learning new things about ourselves. It’s when the goal becomes a symbol for achievement that we get off track and forget that what we are doing to get there is the reward. Most of us seem to aim towards a situation where we can finally exhale and tell ourselves “I did it” as if we were climbing the peak of some Himalayan mountain peak and all we need to do is get to the top. You do realize it’s cold up there, the air is thin and at some point you’ll have to climb back down? It doesn’t end there. I guess it could but I doubt that’s what you have in mind.

Most would answer they want to “be happy” and live a relaxed life where they don’t have to worry about money or work or responsibilities, not recognizing the fact that these are all things that they bring with them as hurdles or problems that need be solved. Instead of looking at these hurdles like a towering barriers that are keeping you from your precious happiness why not deal with them in a way that not only makes them a part of you but also assist in defining our values? Can you live one day as if you had already achieved your goals? Not pretending but actually allow yourself to feel like you would if you were doing exactly what you wanted. We have the ability to stress over things that aren’t occurring in this present moment so why would we not be able to enjoy things that haven’t yet happened? Not that we should go around playing pretend and fantasizing in delusional make belief, but allowing ourselves to familiarize ourselves with the sensation of how it would be to live in that reality would bring us closer to that situation. It is kind of like decorating your room. You may have a vision of how you would like it to look after scouring through Pinterest and start moving your furniture around. They’re not the same color or shape but you start to get an idea, an atmosphere that is similar to what you wanted. Next thing you throw out an old lamp and replace it with one that fits with your vision, then the carpet goes and the drapes. Little by little when you‘re motivated enough you rearrange and replace things to fit within your plan. Before you know it you’re smashing a hole in the ceiling to create the skylight you always dreamed of. It will only happen if you like getting your hands dirty and break a sweat. If you like to be happy you must enjoy the process of making yourself happy. Like with everything else, it takes practice.

So, yeah, thoughts. Powerful little minions. Reminding us that we exist and allows us to reflect on our experience of that existence. Going back to finding out what we want. What if we didn’t get inspired on Pinterest? To rearrange the room might become an endeavor of trial and error, thinking if we can figure out all the possible ways we don’t like things to be and try them out first then we’ll find out on the way. By all means, go ahead. No mathematician can tell you the amount of arrangements possible and besides even if they could they wouldn’t be able to say which one you’d prefer so what would be the point? Instead perhaps it can be an idea to go back to the blank sheet of paper you were dealt at the start. See how white it was? All those white spots on your map indistinguishable from one an other because you had not yet experienced anything. Now look at what areas are still white on there today. What are the things you haven’t explored, what have you not noticed, where have you not been…yet? Then ask yourself: What kind of experience would you like? What of the things you are doing these days makes you feel like you are getting closer to that experience? Do more of those things. What are the things you do that don’t feel like they contribute or even stop you from having that desired experience? Do less of those.

 

 

It is very likely that there is a lot of repetition in the texts you just read and for that I can only thank you for your patience. Like mentioned it was unedited and also not proofread, something I’m still learning to find patience for. When Chapter 2 drops I hope that patience, focus and diligence has arrived.